Top 10 Manliest Movies

A tribute to those macho films celebrating all that makes men men; chicks, firearms, and delusions of grandeur. Okay ladies, go fetch us a beer, topless. It's man movie time.

10. Rocky - Nothing is more manly than getting punched in the face 700 times by the heavyweight champion of the world, and still getting the girl. But that's exactly what Rocky Balboa does. His punching bags are frozen beef, his trainer is a mean Irish pug, and his jaw is cast iron. 

9. Die Hard - For some, Christmas is a time for joy, and spreading good cheer. For Bruce Willis, it's about blowing sh*t up. John McClane has everything a man could want for Christmas. Guns, bullets, explosives, terrorists to kill, and hostages to rescue. What, no shoes? John should have been a good boy.

8. Goldfinger - James Bond proves that you can look just as good killing in a tuxedo as you can shirtless. Bond is the envy of all men. He is licensed to kill, meaning it isn't just fun, it's a living. He's sophisticated, and has access to the finest girls, guns, and cars. While other macho films have plenty of chicks, Goldfinger has Pussy Galore.

7. Wall Street - Gordon Gekko proves you don't need guns to be tough. Hostile takeovers, insider information, corporate raiding and shady deals are all in a days work. Gordon is relentless and ruthless. He is a warrior king on the battlegrounds of Corporate America. With a mere wave of his hands, businesses fall, thousands are out of work, and corporations go from profit to ruin. When it comes to wielding power, Gekko is a god among men.

6. Patton - George C. Scott's portrayal of the real life manly General is inspiring. Patton was a true bad-ass, teaching new fencing techniques to his troops, and his favorite side arm, a Colt "Peacemaker", proves he's a cowboy at heart.  Patton made no apology for his ruthless tactics or gritty ambition. He conquers all that he sees. 

5. Raiders of the Lost Ark - Indiana Jones is so manly, he has to be named after a whole state. Action and adventure is all in a days work for this professor of archaeology. So rugged is he, that when he's not scoring with the girl he previously dumped years ago, he single-handedly takes on the entire Nazi army, bloodthirsty natives, Arab thieves, and God himself. Hows that for balls?

4. The Godfather - Being a man isn't all about violence, it's about respect, honor, and providing for your family. Only men understand this film. Only men get the logic that allows Sunny to cheat on his wife, yet defend his sister's honor by beating the hell out of her husband. Only men get that violence doesn't solve every problem, just most of them. Only men believe that to be a man, sometimes you have to cut a horses head off. Only men understand that power is taken, not earned. Only men.

3. Rambo: First Blood Part II - Rambo proves that all you need in life is bigger guns and plenty of bullets. With a body count so high, it's easier to count the survivors. Rambo is an ethnic slaying machine proving once again, if you ain't American, you ain't sheeit. It's a wonder, with him on our side, how did we ever lose the Vietnam War in the first place?

2. Conan: The Barbarian - This is a thinking man's movie. That is, if you're thinking big pecks and big swords make for an Oscar worthy film. Arnold Schwarzenegger hacks, chops, and bludgeons his way through soldiers, thieves, sorcerers and snake-gods, all while wearing a loin cloth. Conan knows what is best in life. To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women. How true...how true.

1. 300 - This movie has more balls than a bowling alley. 300 Greek Warriors take on a Persian Army of over one million strong. For three days these men hold them off with nothing more than their swords, spears, and manly chests. This film is so manly, even homosexuals will eat pussy. So inspiring in its machismo, that even pee-wee's and runts will leave the theaters with roid rage. Be sure to keep raw meat on stand-by.