Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Top 10 Movies That Make Prostitution Fun

A Tribute to those movies that honor the oldest profession by showcasing the workers as fun-loving, level headed, party goers who need the cash to pay rent, get a new car, or put themselves through college. The media wants you to believe their sex slaves, stricken with STD's, and are supporting a heroine addiction. Tish, pasha, nonsense. Why would movies lie?

10. Night Shift - meek and mild Henry Winkler is demoted to the night shift at the city morgue. Worse, his partner is a care-free, loud mouthed dreamer played by Michael Keaton. With a controlling fiancee and Mother, his only friend seems to be a neighbor lady who happens to be a hooker, played by Shelly Long. Things spiral out of control to the point where Henry and Michael turn the morgue into an escort service office, and with Henry's business experience, turns quite a profit for both him and Michael, as well as the girls. All the hookers here have a heart of gold, and end up purchasing a fast food restaurant. Neighborhood pimps, however, are not so thrilled.

9. Risky Business - Here, prostitutes aren't just fun, they're profitable. Tom Cruise falls for Rebecca De Mornay who not only educates him in the physical ways of pleasure, but shows him how to make a profit by turning his parents home into a brothel. It's a win-win for everyone, except Rebecca's old pimp, who wants his cut. The world would be such a better place without pimps.

8. The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas - Nothing illustrates the light-hearted side of prostitution like a musical comedy. Here, the local law enforcement is also a long time patron of the house of sin, which is in and of itself a historical site. Suddenly, a preacher arrives in town looking to shut it down, in order to save souls from this den of evil. Party pooper.

7. Milk Money - A bunch of kids decide to pool their money together and hire a hooker to strip for them. They encounter a prostitute named V, a hooker with a heart of gold, who gives them a lift home and decides to live in their tree house. Meanwhile, the father, played by Ed Harris, thinks she's his son's teacher, until her old pimp boyfriend comes looking for her.

6. Trading Places - When millionaire Winthorpe's life is turned upside down, he is taken in by a hooker. Like most prostitutes, she is a level-headed, business savvy woman who saves her money in various investments and savings, looking to retire at a young age. She helps Winthorpe gain revenge on those who took his life from him. Winthorpe, being a refined and cultured individual succeeds and the two of them retire to the tropics together.

5. Pretty Baby - See, Prostitution isn't so bad. It's a wonderful place to work, live, and raise children. Brooke Shields makes her film debut at 12 years old to the tune of full nudity in this film. A period piece set in 1917 New Orleans, this film explores life in a house of ill repute. Brooke Shields' character Violet lives with her mother, Susan Sarandon, also a prostitute. A photographer comes to the house and over time collects a series of photos of various women, and begins a sexual relationship with Violet. She's certainly no stranger to grown men, having her virginity auctioned off earlier.

4. Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo - Prostitutes certainly run into a wide assortment of characters in their profession, and Deuce Bigalow is no exception. Posing as a male gigolo to pay for an expensive aquarium he broke, he has to pleasure a 500lb woman, a woman with narcolepsy, another with torret syndrome, and other oddities. He falls for a one-legged girl who may not understand his situation.

3. Bachelor Party - In the world we live in, having sex with hookers is grounds for divorce, break-ups, or worse. In the Bachelor Party world, it's kind of frowned upon. The boys throw their soon-to-be-doomed pal Rick a bachelor party with wall to wall hookers. The girls are only booked for an hour, but hang around all night as they're more concerned about partying than incurring the wrath of their pimps. As it should be.

2. Pretty Woman - If only all hookers looked as good as Julia Roberts right? Richard Gere plays a wealthy businessman who needs a woman to escort him at various functions. So instead of an escort service, he picks up a random street-walker. She enjoys a Cinderella-like experience as she shops for jewelry and thousands of dollars worth of clothes. She is honest and grateful, and he falls in love with her. A very likely and believable premise.

1. Sin City -  Wow, not only are the hookers of Basin City hot, but their superheroes. They keep the balance by policing their own district. They perform favors for a fee, but for those who get out of line, watch out. They punish crime, except, the crime of prostitution, of course. Things go bad when a corrupt cop is killed inside their turf. 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Top 10 Coolest Movie Ninja Characters

A tribute to those mysterious black-clad warriors who can kill with a hundred different gadgets, and perform superhuman feats, and you'll never know they were there. From feudal Japan to 21st century America, the ninja have captured our imaginations.

10. Seikura - The Octagon. Half brother of Scott James (Chuck Norris), Seikura runs a ninja training facility to instruct future terrorists in the finer points of martial arts and assassination. When he learns of Scott's investigating, he prepares to finally kill his hated half brother.

9. Scorpion - Mortal Combat. This yellow clad ninja is as dangerous as they come. Summoned to a supernatural version of an Enter The Dragon style competition, he's a tournament favorite with his ability to shoot fire, and a living tether line that emits from his hand. If you run away, the last thing you hear before dying is, "over here!"

8. Raphael - TMNT. This hero in a half shell is pure bad-ass. Sure, he has three brothers, also mutated turtles who study Ninjitsu. But Raphael is hot headed, rough, and a loner. He's got personal issues that confound him, but doesn't seek help. He works things out on his own.

7. The Black Ninja - Ninja III: The Domination - This ninja bad ass kills his target and what seems like half of Los Angeles before he's taken out. And that's just the first 10 minutes of the film. Even dead he isn't done. He possesses the body of a young woman to kill those who did him in.

6. Azumi - Azumi. This female ninja is as tough as they come. After a brutal training period, she slashes her way across war-torn japan as the ultimate assassin

5. Ishikawa Goemon - Shinobi No Mono - For those who like their ninja's rooted in authentic believabilty, look no further than this movie. Arguably the first true ninja movie, made in Japan, seeks to educate and entertain audiences with histories most mysterious warriors.

4. Braden - Revenge Of The Ninja. Braden was an epic ninja villain. Taking out wise guys to push his own heroine is bad enough. But Braden also has the ability to hypnotize, and has more gadgets than James Bond. Only Cho, friend and fellow ninja master himself, can stand up to him. 

3. Kinjo - The Hunted. Leader of a modern day ninja cult, Kinjo is cursed by an American who's seen his face while on his last mission. Now, he hunts down the American who is protected by a modern day samurai who uses him as bait to lure Kinjo out. An epic samurai vs ninja showdown ensues. 

2. Hasegawa - Enter The Ninja. The movie that really started the ninja craze of the 1980's, as well as played by an actual ninja-turned-actor is right here. Two sequels all originate from this Golan-Globus production. Played by Sho Kosugi, he introduces the west to this ancient, eastern martial art.

1. Batman - Batman Begins. Yes, Batman. At least in Christopher Nolan's series, Batman was trained as a ninja during his time with the League of Shadows. Plus, you'll find plenty of ninja vs ninja action when the League comes to Gotham. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Top 10 Favorite Movie Mobsters

A tribute to those characters of organized crime that despite their cruel, selfish, and criminal behavior, we just can't help but love them.

10. Danny Vermin - Johnny Dangerously. "It's an .88 Magnum. It shoot's through schools." The bully of the neighborhood has grown up and fulfilled peoples predictions. He became a real scumbag. In this more light-hearted spin on the Mob Movie Genre, Danny Vermin is the arch-typical mob villain. complete with a toadie, a big gun, and a thirst for power. Plus, he has more one-liners than Henny Youngman.

9. Al Capone - The Untouchables. "I want you to find this nancy boy Elliot Ness, I want him DEAD! His family DEAD!" Hey, who's badder than Al Capone? Here's a guy who murders, runs numbers, bootlegs, gambles, and extorts people. And all the Feds can get him on is tax evasion? 

8. Sonny LoSpecchio - A Bronx Tale. (locking the door) "Now yous can't leave." The made man with a heart. Sonny is the neighborhood hero and guardian. He's surrounded by yes men. Yet he takes a young boy under his wing, and watches over him insuring he doesn't get involved in the troubled life that befalls other hoods from the block. A Godfather figure, if you will. His blend of bad ass and compassion makes him a favorite movie mobster.

7. Sonny Corleone - The Godfather. "There's a lot of money in that white powder." The oldest son of Vito Corleone, Sonny was a hot-headed gangster who's passions finally caught up with him. But he did have merit, including being very protective of his siblings. 

6. Vito Corleone - The Godfather 2. "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse." In the Godfather, we see Vito at the height of his power and influence. In the Godfather II, we see how he came to power, from an immigrant orphan, to killing a local Capo, to becoming a boss himself, and returning to the old country and exacting revenge for the murders of his father, mother, and brother. 

5. Sam Rothstein - Casino. "In the casino, the cardinal rule is to keep them playing and to keep them coming back. The more they play, the more they lose, and in the end, we get it all." Sam ate, slept, and breathed gambling. As a result, the bosses put him in charge of the Tangiers, one of the largest hotel/casinos in Las Vegas. And in charge he was. He oversaw everything from innovations in casino management to putting an equal amount of blueberries in each muffin. There was nothing that this guy didn't control with an iron hand, except for his wife, who was born and bred a hustler.

4. Nicky Santoro - Casino. "Listen to me, you Jew motherf*&@er you. You only exist out here because of ME!" Nicky Santoro was a made guy who was to keep an eye on Sam Rothstein. But being so far away from the bosses "back home" he took to becoming the new muscle in Las Vegas. This puts him at odds against Sam and the bosses who were out there to skim Las Vegas in the first place. Nicky's ruthlessness and quick temper made him a favorite character of mob films.

3. Tony Montana - Scarface. "All I have in this world is my balls and my word, and I don't break them for no one." The true rags to riches story of a poor Cuban refugee who seized the American dream, at gunpoint. Tony Montana grew in wealth and power so quickly, it ended up consuming him.

2. Michael Corleone - The Godfather Trilogy. "You're my brother, and I love you. But don't ever go against the family again." A war hero and the apple of his Father's eye. He was the son that was supposed to be legit. He was the one that wasn't supposed to get involved. But after Sonny died, and the Godfather's health failing, Michael took over as head of the family. He's calculating and ruthless, even towards members of "the family."

1. Tommy DeVito - Goodfellas. "Ya motherf@#er! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick, ya. Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you, Henry. You might fold under questioning." Without a doubt, Tommy DeVito was absolutely lovable. Sure, he killed people and had a mouth dirtier than a truck stop toilet, but he had us laughing. He's the kind of criminal you'd want to hang out with. Just don't call him funny.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Top 10 SNL Cast Members Who've Been Successful In Film

A Tribute to those SNL cast members who've transitioned from television comedy to take Hollywood by storm.

10. Tina Fey (2000-2006) A fixture on Weekend Update. Tina has only six films under her belt, but her films have averaged over $71million box office. Most notable for her Sarah Pallin skits, of which she's won an Emmy for. Her films include Baby Mama, Date Night and Megamind.

9. John Belushi (1975-1979) John's career was on the way up. Films like The Blues Brothers, 1941,  and Animal House are still cult favorites today. Best known on SNL for his role as Samurai Futaba. Sadly, his personal demons caught up with him and a great talent was taken from us.

8. Chris Rock (1990-1993) In more than 27 films, Chris Rock has taken huge strides from SNL onto the Silver Screen. His films collectively earned over 1.1 billion dollars, most notably Lethal Weapon 4, Dogma, The Longest Yard, Madagascar, and CB4.

7. Chevy Chase (1975-1976) Former cast member and 9 time host, more than any other cast member, Chevy Chase was one of the first to launch successfully into film. National Lampoon's Vacation series, Spies Like Us, Caddyshack, Three Amigos, and the Fletch movies. Winner of 2 Golden Globes, he was an extremely bankable comedian early on, but he seemed to have lost steam in the 90's. Over the last ten years he has been regulated to supporting roles and bit parts. Chevy Chase recently returned to television in the series Community.

6. Dan Aykroyd (1975-1979) Once, he was one of the wild and crazy guys, Dan left SNL for better fortune in film. He is an accomplished writer, producer, and actor, including 1 Oscar nomination. His resume includes Ghostbusters 1 & 2, Nothing But Trouble, Spies Like Us, The Great Outdoors, Dragnet and more. Best known for his dead pan delivery and the ability to ramble facts and statistics with the speed and rhythm of a ticker tape machine.

5. Will Ferrell (1995-2002) For over 7 years Will Ferrell was a staple of SNL. His Alex Trebek skits were consistently the funniest reoccurring skits going. With 24 films on his impressive resume, his movies have grossed a combined 1.4 billion dollars. A Night At The Roxbury, a SNL skit turned movie, helped propel him to on screen success. With films like Step Brothers, Blades of Glory, Talladega Nights, and Elf, there's no signs of him slowing down.

4. Bill Murray (1977-1980) Bill Murray's success has been one of the most consistent of all the long term SNL alumnus. He is just as relevant today as he was over 30 years ago. With 34 career films, and a collective box office of 1.4 billion dollars, Bill is a true SNL success story. Although a comedian, he's even transcended that genre into drama, such as The Razor's Edge, Ed Wood, and Lost City. However, this Oscar nominated actor will be remembered best for his work in Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, Stripes, Scrooged and Groundhog Day

3. Adam Sandler (1991-1995) Former SNL's Opera Man has been in over 24 films, and has his own production company, Happy Madison. While none of his films ever busted any blocks, he has enjoyed above moderate success. His films have grossed 1.9 billion collectively. His company has produced films like The Longest Yard, Big Daddy, Billy Madison, 50 First Dates, and Grown Ups

2. Mike Myers (1989-1995) Mike Myers is riding an unparalleled wave of success. With his Wayne's World, Austin Powers, and Shrek franchises, he is making serious bank. He has also transitioned into dramatic roles such as 54 and Inglourious Basterds. Featured in 15 films, his movies have grossed over 2.2 billion dollars.

1. Eddie Murphy (1980-1984) A fantastic comedian on SNL, best known for his skits as Buckwheat, Gumby, and Mr. Robinson. His film success is second to none. 36 films so far, and over 3.9 billion dollars, Eddie Murphy has made a few stinkers, but they do not curve his successes. From voicing the Donkey in Shrek, all the way back to Trading Places, and performing multiple roles in films like Coming To America and The Nutty Professor, Eddie flexes his talent and range.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Top 10 Memorable Movie Jock Douche Bags

A tribute to those alpha male jerks who've menaced our heroes time and again. They got looks, athletic ability, the hottest chicks, sheesh. What more do they want?

10. Chaz - Back To School - Hmmm, he looks familiar. Anyway, Chaz enjoys everything there is to enjoy in college, yet he treats fellow swimming team student Mellon with disdain. When Mellon's Dad becomes the life of the campus, Chaz turns up the douche baggery by tricking him into quitting the team and doubting his abilities. But when push came to shove, Super-douche fakes a leg cramp.

9. Stifler - American Pie - This Lacrosse playing douche's most admirable quality is that his Mother inspired a new word in the American Lexicon, "MILF."  He seems to walk through life blissfully unaware of just how obnoxious he is. 

8. Brodhi - Point Break - Jocks tend to do things their own way, and to hell with other people. This is why Brodhi is hanging 10 as the surfer douche bag. In order to fund his surfer jock lifestyle, he robs banks, kidnaps ex-girlfriends, and assaults FBI agents. What a douche bag.

7. Stan - Revenge Of The Nerds - Captain of the football team, head of the Greek council, head of the Alpha Beta frat house, and dating the hottest girl on campus. You'd think he'd be content with all his success. Most would, but not if you're a douche bag. Stan just can't leave well enough alone, and goes to great lengths in humiliating nerds at every opportunity. 

6. Dutch - The Karate Kid - Johnny is the head bully of the Cobra Kai's in this film. The rest just go along with him as they harass and beat up poor Daniel Larusso. But Dutch is different. Although no personal claim is at stake, he develops a deep resentment towards Daniel, making him arguably more menacing than Johnny. While Johnny feels disrespected as Daniel punched him in the nose and dates his ex-girlfriend, Dutch formulates a hatred for him for reasons known only to himself. He is a true bully douche bag.

5. Jimmy - The Ringer - Being mentally challenged does not excuse you from being a jock douche bag. A multi-time gold medalist in the Special Olympics, Jimmy is neither humble or considerate. He's corporately sponsored, rude to his fans, and treats women as waitresses and maids. 

4. White Goodman - Dodgeball - His picture is in the dictionary under Jock Douche Bag. White is a gym owner and fitness guru who feels if you're not in top shape, your beneath contempt. He takes great delight in seizing control of Average Joe's Gym, a gym for people who aren't looking to be whipped and abused into shape. He wants to crush Average Joes and kick them to the curb, just for perverted fun and to satisfy his ego. 

3. Billy Mitchell - The King Of Kong - If you consider competitive video game playing a sport, than this is arguably the biggest douche going. Mostly because he isn't a character, he's real. It takes skill to hold the record for the highest score in Donkey Kong, but its another to rest on those laurels for 20+ years. When a newcomer Steve Wiebe arrives on the scene and submits a better score, he is disqualified. Galaxy Games (who track game records) invites Steve to trial by fire by live competition, and he accepts. He then officially beats Billy's record again, but Billy cheap shots and submits a questionable video that he's been "sitting on" for years, "for just such a situation." The Galaxy Games crew, all Billy Mitchell sycophants, accept the tape without question. Billy Mitchell never went head to head with Steve the entire film, despite espousing how live competition is what separates players from real champions. He is the King of Douche.

2. Ogre - Revenge Of The Nerds - A dog doesn't understand why he must attack mailmen, he just does it. Ogre, who's IQ is slightly superior to a dogs, although far uglier, simply must attack nerds. There is no provocation, territorial dispute, or survival instinct which compels him, it's something he just does.

1. Johnny Lawrence - The Karate Kid - No other character epitomizes the Jock Douche Bag more than Johnny. If being a black belt and tournament champion isn't enough to bully anything that crosses his path, he has a flock of Cobra Kai black belts that act as his toadies. Johnny has to routinely validate his ego by beating up arguably the skinniest kid in school. When it comes to the all time biggest douche bag, Johnny is the best around.